SEARCHING

Hello it’s 2022 already. How was your celebration? Mine was lonely and mehh. I just spent that night laying in bed, tired from work. And that is okay, at least I gave my body enough rest.


I’m back again because I have things going on in my mind that I guess everyone is tired of. So this is the only place I could think of to vent and let it all out…or maybe just 1/2 of it cause it’s too dark in here you dont really wanna know. Since I know nobody gives a f to read this blog then I guess it’s safe here. Not writing this for attentions, i just hv nowhere else to go…and excuse my english I’m not good at it anymore…I give up. 


Tonight I went through my medications cabinet. Looking for meds that could take this pain away. I went through my parents’ meds just randomly reading through the prescription and choosing which one will give the best result for me…as dark as it may sound, I guess you knew what’s going on here. I am not blaming anyone for what I’m about to do, since I did it to myself, I kept going back to what broke me in the first place. If you know then you know, I’m done going around proving ppl how shitty they are. But after all it was all my fault for going back. I’m scared of sharp things so this may be the way. The less painful way, I think.


I am not blaming anyone with the low self-esteem that I have, it was my fault. I am not blaming anyone for the presence of the voices inside my head saying ‘you’re not worth it, you’re a burden, nobody likes you’ and many more that you would scream your lungs out just for them to shut. This may be a call for help. Or may be not. Or maybe too late.


The old farah I knew…she was intelligent, she can draw well, she likes being confident in front of a crowd, she prefers to do things her own way, always believes in herself, she likes to challenge herself, she loves people unconditionally and she will never let ppl who hurt her see how weak she is. And all she was tryna do was spreading love and happiness. Maybe she could hurt you with her ignorance but once she realised it she will change for the better and apologise. She was great, I loved her. 


Ive tried what they advised me, Ive tried to talk positively to myself, i have tried to change my mindset i have tried not to be bothered i have tried every single thing i could. Almost 2 years…what’s healing anyway..?


I’m tired and fucking done with how stupid I am. I feel pressured with the future, my career and the future life im gonna live in. And i feel super lonely in this. Even when ppl showed me love, i cant feel it anymore..


What’s healing anyway..?