Have you ever wished a person to die? Yeap, that's how dark my heart was well, maybe still is. How bad I was that wishing death upon someone is the only thing that's gonna make me happy. Wait, will I? 

Before that, this post is gonna be about a heartbreak story of mine and I have nobody to tell this to, well I have many friends but it'll be a burden to them and they will get tired of it eventually. So, if you arent into this or whatever here's a sign to stop reading :) And to those who insist on reading this, it means that you care or maybe just curious idk, but thank you I appreciate that.

*note that there will be hella lots of grammar errors whatsoever I'm crying while writing this so yeah haha.

Look, when somebody you loved dearly hurt you so much, you'd wish his friends, colleagues and the family would turn their back on him and just punish him for the things that he has done but no, that's not how the universe works honey. There are times I wish everybody sees him as the bad guy, the cheater he was, a selfish prick and the list goes on. And I refused to accept that he was once the person I loved the most, more than myself. He was my world. I forgot all the good things we did together, the help from him, and his sacrifices. I would go around telling his friends what he did, his bad behaviors because I wanted everyone to feel the pain so bad. I was obsessed with the idea of showing the world that he was the bad guy. I wanted him to pay for the pain he caused me. But no, nobody can understand it more than you, yourself. Nobody could feel the love nor the pain between him and I.

Sometimes I would sit alone in my room and wonder whether or not I'm the toxic ones for telling and spreading his mistakes to his and my friends, the things I have done for him, and my sacrifices just for them to understand how hurtful his act was, how torturing it is to go through this alone. I'm so tired of doing this shit and hating someone I loved so much. I was desperate for everyone to be on my side but that isn't happening, it never will. Because people aren't in my shoes and I am not blaming them at all. It isn't their fault for still being friends with him, it isn't their fault for laughing and hanging out with him while I watched their stories and saw how happy he was around them as if nothing happened then I cried my ass off to sleep. This is how it works, the karma doesn't come instantly, or... never at all, we'll never know. 

It has been 7 fucking months.

7 fucking months of pretending I wasn't affected by it. 7 fucking months of thinking I'm gonna pass through it eventually. 7 fucking months trying to make myself busy every single day not to think about it. Haha and yet, nothing changed.

A lot of people will take this lightly, I know. 

"It's just a loving phase you'll find someone better"
"You are still young there are a lot more guys waiting to be yours"
"Don't take it seriously, it's just a break up"

Well, screw you. All I wanted was to be treated as someone with a heart and feelings. My heart was pure and I got betrayed how else do you expect me to react? I have never been this mad at a person my entire life for being betrayed. I have never been this cold yet fragile. I know I shouldn't have written all this, it shows how fragile and weak I am but I'm done pretending I'm okay.

I don't know what to do to ease the pain, to make it disappear because it hurts real bad, so bad I need help to make this go away please I can't do this anymore..please help me



  1. Idk how deeply u hurt but I hope you will come back stronger. Its okay to cry so bad cause nobody understand and its okay to take time to heal. Btw take care and dont forget to love yourself too.


Note: only a member of this blog may post a comment.