Hello! I'm back from a veryyy long hiatus on this blog. Been really busy with everything (read: studio projects, assignments, dates haha!) Nah I'm just a lazy potato avoiding any updates on my blog. This time I'm going to sum up my whole 2019 from good to bad and many more. Just so you know I've never felt so much in a year. It was a hell of a ride and I survived!! That's what matters the most, as long as I don't die halfway fighting then I'll keep going.

To be frank it gets awkward having to write such a long essay cause I've been abandoning this blog since forever but let's just start with the very beginning of the year. I did a very stupid thing called a confession. I confessed to someone with no solid reason on new year's eve, I mean I don't even know why I did that to myself but I just did anyway and I've never been so bold in my entire life lol. Long story short, it didn't turn out well and that's okay! I wasn't sad nor was I disappointed, I didn't feel anything at all maybe because I knew the answer from the start. 

Okay dokey enough with the nonsense I made myself do. I spent my entire semester break crafting, drawing, sewing, cooking/baking well basically the things I love to do the most but had to give it a break just to focus on my degree. So I took the chance to do them all during the break and not once I regretted it. My biggest mistake was I didn't practice or study architecture that much, even the drawings I made were basically not related to my course. I really needed some time to myself and avoided anything related to my course cause I felt miserable and all I wanted to do is to run away from it just for a little while. I should have worked during the break but oh well.

I was so so happy the entire break as I got to do things I love, spent most of my time at home eating homemade foods and a very cute thing happened...someone unexpectedly confessed his feelings to me. (the next part is leading to a love story you may skip this part if you want hihi) Someone I used to dislike, someone I barely talked to even if he sat right in front of me, someone I sent a poop emoji just for him to stop chatting me on Instagram hahaha and someone I've never cared about. Everything happened so fast. Let's just call him my gem (lol this sounds silly but alright). I'm treated the way I should be treated and I'm much happier now, I feel complete with the presence of my gem. I feel happier and thanks to you for your stupid jokes, for making time for me even when you were completely busy with your packed schedule, for constantly asking "farah okay?" every 5 seconds, for being a good listener, for never hiding your emotions and for bringing me anywhere I wanted to eat or just to have a night walk with you. You've made my entire 2019 more meaningful than it should be. Thank you, to more ugly laughs and food hunting together okie?

The rest of the year went very well not until I entered the third semester of my degree. This is the toughest sem so far. I went from being happy even on the night of crit session to crying almost every night. I cried not because of regretting my decision but I felt the pressure. I felt overwhelmed by the expectations of the people around me especially my parents'. I was scared I'll fail them, I'll become a failure. I struggled to find the ideas for each of my projects. I struggled to do things up to my lecturers' expectations. I didn't feel like myself, I lost interest in a lot of things. The things I love doing didn't excite me anymore, the things I was good at are no longer my strengths. I totally lost myself. Not being overdramatic over here but I was sad and miserable. I didn't do well in most of my projects for this sem, nothing to be proud of. I was scared, so scared I'll be a disappointment to everyone. I was so worried I'll never be good enough. To cover it up and to avoid thinking too deeply about it, I usually distracted myself by cooking, went to watch movies and spent some time with my favorite persons. But at the end of the day, I cried myself to sleep thinking how bad I was literally in everything I did. Sometimes if the feelings were too much to be handled I'll let them all out to my gem and got better afterward with his comforting and words and advice. Other than that, I just muttered some positive words to myself until I felt okay for the day or before I went to sleep. This whole worrying and overthinking stuff were tiring and draining, I wish I knew how to stop it and handled things well.

I don't want to feel that way anymore and I'm hoping 2020 will give me more reasons to smile and be happy even when things get tough. I'm hoping that I could handle stress under pressure better. 2019 really shows me that I'm no longer a baby cause I've always had this image where I'm still a 12-year-old girl stuck in a 20-year-old body. I noticed that the way I act, make decisions and think are kind of childish and this year I really tried to go out of my comfort zone, be more matured and less relying on people. I'm proud that I survived such a phase where it all came at once and I almost lost my entire self. I'm so glad that I didn't give up this battle. I'm more than grateful to be surrounded by true friends and my lovely family members.

I've changed a lot, it may not be obvious to some people but I feel it in me. I changed the way I think and the way I see things. I've done a lot of things I've never tried before in my entire life this year and they are both good and bad. I broke my promises for some people. I crossed the line I set for myself. I went overboard in some situations that it even surprised me sometimes. I cared about what people think of me a lot that it affected me in every way. 2019 is the most sensitive and miserable year so far, I cried a lot and doubted myself most of the time. But thank you to every single soul who stayed with me especially my true friends, my family members who never get tired of how annoying I can be and to you, my gem.

I can't wait for 2020 and what it can offer me. My only wish is that I want to be happier, surrounded by people who love me as much as I love them and give my best in everything I do. How about you?



Thank you for reading x