HOW I FEEL ABOUT MYSELF


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Don't let fear of insecurity stop you from trying new things. Believe in yourself. Do what you love. And most importantly, be kind to others even if you don't like them.  - Stacy London

Have you ever been in a situation where you don't feel good about yourself? I do feel it when I'm alone in my room, while waiting for the bus and most of the time in the shower. In today's post I'm going to write about my insecurities. Note that I'm writing this not to get all of the compliments and supportive words, I just want to share what I feel and it is okay if you feel the same way as I am.

Appearance
        As a person with tanned skin, I'm very observant about every part of my body. Sometimes I would hide my hands in my pocket whenever I go out especially when I'm wearing a white top and avoid mirrors at the mall. I would also hide my hands in most of my pictures. I don't wear full face makeup or anything related to finding the product that suits my skin tone when I go out because first, it's hard I've tried it and second I'll be looking ashy and disgusting. I used to upload pictures of me in makeup but I hated it and deleted those pictures because I kind of feel fake like that's not me, that dark-circle-less girl in the picture is lying. I'm not saying that people who wear makeup are fake or anything, they look so beautiful I swear but when it comes to me, yucks! I dislike my feet too, this may sound weird to you but they turn so dry and dark. I'm not skinny nor am I fat, I'm just average. There are some parts of me that I dislike a lot like my thighs, arms, cheeks and dark circles. I just keep telling myself that Allah created me this way so that I won't be doing things that are forbidden or worse than what I'm doing now.
        I told my family about this and cried. I told them how much I hate myself, my skin. They always soothe me with compliments and tell me to accept myself for who I am. It's easier said than done. To be real honest, I've never taken any compliments as something that can make me love myself even more or something to be proud of because some people complimented in a sarcastic way and I have a trust issue. I appreciate those who really mean it though. But for me, praises are like the wind, passes by and gone. 

Studies
        I can be both slow and fast learner. Sometimes I find it hard to stay focus on what the person is teaching or talking and I will lose track of what's going on around me. That's because I think a lot, like a lot. I daydream a lot too that sometimes people will notice it. Basically, I will think of everything and mostly the things that make me feel down.
        As an Architecture student, I have to polish my drawing/sketching, model-making and other skills to make sure I do better in assignments and for the future. For me, all of my friends are so talented and they know well about everything and what they want. I'm like a lost cat that has no ideas what's going on. I kind of feel left behind. I have to run and speed up instead of walking to catch up with others. I'm not sure if I'm so blur or that's normal or I'm actually way far behind the others. But I know that's how student life is, we are not always on top.
        I feel insecure in a way people can be so out of the box and create their own shape while I'm stuck looking for a door to go out of the box. I definitely will work harder and never give up but sometimes these are the things that make me sad and feel so down.

Other than all the things mentioned above, I don't really know how to express my love towards my friends or family members verbally and physically like a hug or anything. I'm so scared they'll think I don't appreciate them as much and selfish. I just don't know how. I don't really say 'I love you' to my friends or family, that's just not me and it will turn out awkward as heck. And whenever my friends or family are sick or not feeling well I don't know how to show how worried I am, I'll just end up asking 'are you okay?' or 'have you taken the medicine?' once and that's it. I wish I could take care of them, give them the medication, help them in managing themselves when they are sick. Sorry for being so dramatic I just wish I can do that and not making it awkward for myself.

        I wish one day I can overcome my insecurities and be carefree. I want to feel good about myself too just like other pretty, confident girls out there. I want to be happy with who I am but for now, I'm still stuck with all of the dislikes I have in me.

Thank you for reading, till then <3

6 comments:

  1. Hai, kenapa sy baca ni mcm baca kisah sy.. pernah rasa begini jugak, si kulit hitam juga but i love it sbb mak selalu cakap org kulit hitam ni manis hehe, part [I don't really say 'I love you' to my friends or family] same 100%, kdg benci dgn sikap mcm ni sbb orang akan salah faham dgn kelakuan kita, samada depa akan kata kita sombong atau tak ambil berat, jauh di sudut hati hanya Allah je tahu. :')

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    1. Sometimes I love my skin a lot too ;) Betul tu, kadang orang akan cakap tak faham dengan kita sebab cara kita tunjuk kita kisah/ambil tahu lain kan

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  2. Hey, don't feel like that! You have your own beauty and the right one will only see that version from you, trust me. Have faith in Allah because He knows the best for us!

    About that make up stuff, same girl same. But at this point, I don't care anymore. I just want to be myself and live happily :)

    Tanned skin is pretty too!!!!! And if you ever felt left behind from studies, try to catch up slowly. No one can help us besides ourselves!

    For expressing loves, I think it's kind of normaL. I mean we have our own way to express loves, doesn't we? I'm sure your family and friends would understand you.

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    1. Thank you sooo much for your kind words! I'm going to improve my self-esteem and confidence this year, new year new me hehe wish me luck <3

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  3. i can totally relate to you. self-hatred, slow-learner and people think im unsociable and unfriendly like we just didnt know why it happens on us. we didnt ask for it but the insecurities just kill us. im not in the place to say this, but i hope both of us can overcome our insecurities and be happier ^^ i tried to change my mindset this year, and maybe that would help you too?

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    1. same girl, people will always think I'm unfriendly based on their first impression. hopefully we are going to bloom and shine with confidence just like others <3

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